It’s Monday morning; a time fueled by regrets, responsibility and coffee. Lots of coffee.

Let me tell you, friends, about my favorite cups of coffee. For years, I was a two-creams, two-sugars, coffee drinker until I realized that I had no desire for those extra calories and switched over to black. I love black coffee and I can now drink any coffee served anywhere (including that recycled motor-oil stuff they have sitting for days at a time in Jiffy-Lube waiting areas.) Of course, I prefer a good cup of coffee with a nice even flavor and smoothness rather than bitterness but there comes a time, say, Monday morning, when you have to shock the system. Readiness being essential, you can’t pussyfoot around the caffeine fix.

To that end, I have discovered and enjoyed the Red-Eye (drip coffee with a shot of espresso) and the Black-Eye (drip coffee with two shots of espresso.) Those potent cups are enough to make a strong man twitch but they’re too wild for an ordinary morning and, if the coffee or espresso isn’t perfect, they can be unpleasantly bitter. Not to mention the fact that paying someone five dollars to slap you in the face can really add up in these tight times. So, I’ve devised a new powerhouse. A cup of coffee with strength, a sharp but not-so-bitter bite and, best of all, a touch of spite:

The Spoiler

If, like myself, you work in an office with large 12+ cup coffee systems, you may be able to craft The Spoiler. All you have to do is make a pot of coffee and, immediately take the first cup as it brews. (seen below in a poor illustration.)

The name is derived from the fact that the remaining cups in the pot will be weaker than average; leaving your coworkers groggy and more ineffective than usual. Meanwhile, you and The Spoiler are bolder and prepared for the day. The hefty body of The Spoiler is also ideal for iced coffee on a hot morning as it is more tolerant of the inevitable ice-melt/water-down factor.

Today, with forecast highs reaching 100 fun-loving degrees, I’m starting my day with an iced, skim, spoiler.

Ahh… Exhilarating!